Sophie (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
ladyhoneydarlinglove) wrote2013-05-18 10:37 pm
ladyhoneydarlinglove) wrote2013-05-18 10:37 pm
snk fic: when it shifted
Fandom: Shingeki no Kyojin
Characters: Reiner Braun, Bertholdt Fubar
Rating: PG
Word Count: ~1500
Summary: Reiner can't believe that even after all this time, Bertholdt still doesn't know how to ask him for help.
Notes: Written for the snk kink meme. Based off my personal head canon that Bert suffers from panic attacks.
--
It happens when Bertholdt disappears after training one day, which isn’t all that unusual; Reiner knows that Bertholdt enjoys his time alone. But Reiner starts to grow worried when Bertholdt doesn’t show up for dinner; trainees only get three meals a day, and missing any one of them means going hungry until the next. The only time Reiner has ever seen anyone miss a meal is when sick; Reiner wonders if Bertholdt is ill, and it worries him.
He goes looking for Bertholdt after dinner, a long search that takes him around almost the entire training compound until Reiner finally finds Bertholdt behind one of the supply cabins. And Bertholdt certainly looks like he might be ill; his knees are drawn up to his chest and his head is down, face obscured by the arms wrapped around his legs. For as tall as he is, Bertholdt looks fragile and small as Reiner approaches him, and it puts an uneasy feeling in Reiner’s stomach. He doesn’t like seeing his best friend looking so vulnerable.
“Bertl?” Reiner asks as he approaches Bertholdt. “Are you okay?”
Bertholdt jerks, but his head doesn’t come up. “I’m fine,” he answers, voice muffled and hoarse.
He’s clearly lying, but Reiner is hesitant to press for details, afraid that he might just end up upsetting Bertholdt. “You missed dinner,” Reiner says instead, laying a hand on Bertholdt’s shoulder. Bertholdt jerks again, but his head still doesn’t move. “I tried to save your ration, but Sasha ate it before I could smuggle it out of the mess hall.” He sits next to Bertholdt, easing himself down so as not the startle the other man. “Sorry.”
“It’s fine,” Bertholdt mumbles. “I probably wouldn’t have eaten it anyway.”
He sniffles again. Reiner’s brow furrows at the sound and he dips his head, trying to get a look at Bertholdt’s face from underneath his arm. He can’t see much beyond Bertholdt’s nose, but he doesn’t miss the few droplets that fall from the tip. “Bertl,” Reiner asks, “Are you… crying?”
Bertholdt flinches like he’s been struck and somehow manages to curl into himself even more than he already has. “No.”
“You are,” Reiner says, stunned. The last time he saw Bertholdt cry was after their village was destroyed, and that was years ago. “What’s wrong?” Bertholdt doesn’t answer. After a minute of waiting Reiner sighs and slides an arm around Bertholdt’s shoulders. “Hey, you can tell me,” he says. “We’re best friends, right? We’re supposed to be able to share this kind of stuff.”
Bertholdt stays quiet, but after a few moments, his arms come down and his head turns. Bertholdt’s eyes are red and puffy, his nose is a mess of blotches, and there are tear tracks staining his cheeks, still covered in dirt from today’s training. The sight puts a strange ache in Reiner’s chest, and he reaches out to rub the marks away without thinking, glad when Bertholdt doesn’t pull away.
“So what’s wrong?” Reiner asks when he’s cleaned away the last of the smudges.
Bertholdt sniffles again. “I don’t know,” he says. “I just… Sometimes I have these days where I start to worry about everything, and it makes me feel awful and sick and, well…” He gestures at his face. “This. It’s kind of like… Like everything is fine but I feel like everything is going wrong and I can’t do anything about it. And then I start to feel like I can’t breathe, and that’s usually when I have to leave and find someplace to be alone for a while.”
“So this has happened to you before?” Reiner asks.
“It happens every few weeks or so,” Bertholdt admits. His gaze leaves Reiner’s in favor of staring at the ground.
“Every few weeks?” Reiner repeats, shocked. “For how long?”
“Since… Since a few months before we started training,” Bertholdt says, and Reiner feels his jaw go slack.
“Geez, Bertl!” Reiner pinches the bridge of his nose in exasperation. “Why didn’t you ever say anything?”
Bertholdt only shrugs in response, and brings his arms back up so Reiner can’t see his face anymore. It bothers Reiner that Bertholdt feels like he has still has to hide around him. Haven’t they been friends—best friends, even—long enough that things like this shouldn’t matter?
“Bertl, you shouldn’t have to deal with this kind of stuff alone,” Reiner says, moving Bertholdt’s arms down so Reiner can see his face again, even though Bertholdt seems determined not to look at him. “Why didn’t you ever ask me for help?”
There’s a pause, and then Bertholdt’s head begins to move slowly up. He doesn’t say anything, but Reiner adds, “Even if you don’t want anybody else to know, you can always come to me. You know that, right?”
Bertholdt blinks a few times. “You don’t mind?” he asks.
“Heck no!” Reiner says. “That’s what best friends are for, right? To be there for each other.” He gives Bertholdt’s hand a squeeze. “You can come cry on my shoulder anytime you want.”
Bertholdt blinks again. “That’s… really sweet of you,” he says, and Reiner can see the corners of his mouth slowly lifting.
Is it sweet? Reiner doesn’t really think so; as far as he’s concerned, that’s just something friends do for each other. Or at least something Reiner does for Bertholdt. “It’s nothing,” Reiner insists, giving Bertholdt a small smile to encourage him. “Just don’t hide stuff like this from me anymore, okay?”
Bertholdt’s smile is tiny, but it’s there, and looking at it makes Reiner’s heart swell with warmth. “Okay,” Bertholdt says. “I won’t.”
Bertholdt lifts his head to lean back against Reiner’s shoulder; he smells like dirt and pine from the trees they were in earlier, and Reiner takes a deep breath to inhale the scent. His arm is still wrapped around Bertholdt’s shoulder and their hands are still laced together, and Reiner’s thinks that this probably isn’t something best friends normally do, but it feels nice and Bertholdt isn’t protesting, so Reiner lets it be.
They stay entwined for some time, until the sun has set and the only light is the dim glow of the barracks in the distance and the sliver of moon hanging in the sky. “We should probably go to bed soon,” Bertholdt says in a soft voice.
“Yeah,” Reiner agrees, though he has no desire to move. He feels Bertholdt shift, and looks to see Bertholdt’s head coming up quite close to Reiner’s own.
“Reiner?”
“What?” Reiner sees Bertholdt licks his lips, something he only does when nervous, and Reiner barely has time to wonder what Bertholdt could possibly be nervous about now when Bertholdt’s presses his lips against Reiner’s and oh.
The kiss only lasts for a few seconds, but it makes something warm and bright burst inside Reiner’s chest, an anxious but giddy energy that he’s never felt before. “Thanks,” Bertholdt whispers against Reiner’s lips, and then stands and begins to walk away with fast strides, like he thinks the kiss was just a one-time gamble that didn’t quite pay off.
“You’re welcome,” Reiner murmurs, stroking his thumb over the skin of Bertholdt’s neck. He feels Bertholdt shiver and tucks the spot away in his mind for later. “Come on, let’s get back before everyone else is asleep. Jean is always so cranky when he gets woken up.”
Their hands stay intertwined throughout the walk, and before they go inside, they share another kiss, just one in a line of many, many more to come.
Characters: Reiner Braun, Bertholdt Fubar
Rating: PG
Word Count: ~1500
Summary: Reiner can't believe that even after all this time, Bertholdt still doesn't know how to ask him for help.
Notes: Written for the snk kink meme. Based off my personal head canon that Bert suffers from panic attacks.
--
It happens when Bertholdt disappears after training one day, which isn’t all that unusual; Reiner knows that Bertholdt enjoys his time alone. But Reiner starts to grow worried when Bertholdt doesn’t show up for dinner; trainees only get three meals a day, and missing any one of them means going hungry until the next. The only time Reiner has ever seen anyone miss a meal is when sick; Reiner wonders if Bertholdt is ill, and it worries him.
He goes looking for Bertholdt after dinner, a long search that takes him around almost the entire training compound until Reiner finally finds Bertholdt behind one of the supply cabins. And Bertholdt certainly looks like he might be ill; his knees are drawn up to his chest and his head is down, face obscured by the arms wrapped around his legs. For as tall as he is, Bertholdt looks fragile and small as Reiner approaches him, and it puts an uneasy feeling in Reiner’s stomach. He doesn’t like seeing his best friend looking so vulnerable.
“Bertl?” Reiner asks as he approaches Bertholdt. “Are you okay?”
Bertholdt jerks, but his head doesn’t come up. “I’m fine,” he answers, voice muffled and hoarse.
He’s clearly lying, but Reiner is hesitant to press for details, afraid that he might just end up upsetting Bertholdt. “You missed dinner,” Reiner says instead, laying a hand on Bertholdt’s shoulder. Bertholdt jerks again, but his head still doesn’t move. “I tried to save your ration, but Sasha ate it before I could smuggle it out of the mess hall.” He sits next to Bertholdt, easing himself down so as not the startle the other man. “Sorry.”
“It’s fine,” Bertholdt mumbles. “I probably wouldn’t have eaten it anyway.”
He sniffles again. Reiner’s brow furrows at the sound and he dips his head, trying to get a look at Bertholdt’s face from underneath his arm. He can’t see much beyond Bertholdt’s nose, but he doesn’t miss the few droplets that fall from the tip. “Bertl,” Reiner asks, “Are you… crying?”
Bertholdt flinches like he’s been struck and somehow manages to curl into himself even more than he already has. “No.”
“You are,” Reiner says, stunned. The last time he saw Bertholdt cry was after their village was destroyed, and that was years ago. “What’s wrong?” Bertholdt doesn’t answer. After a minute of waiting Reiner sighs and slides an arm around Bertholdt’s shoulders. “Hey, you can tell me,” he says. “We’re best friends, right? We’re supposed to be able to share this kind of stuff.”
Bertholdt stays quiet, but after a few moments, his arms come down and his head turns. Bertholdt’s eyes are red and puffy, his nose is a mess of blotches, and there are tear tracks staining his cheeks, still covered in dirt from today’s training. The sight puts a strange ache in Reiner’s chest, and he reaches out to rub the marks away without thinking, glad when Bertholdt doesn’t pull away.
“So what’s wrong?” Reiner asks when he’s cleaned away the last of the smudges.
Bertholdt sniffles again. “I don’t know,” he says. “I just… Sometimes I have these days where I start to worry about everything, and it makes me feel awful and sick and, well…” He gestures at his face. “This. It’s kind of like… Like everything is fine but I feel like everything is going wrong and I can’t do anything about it. And then I start to feel like I can’t breathe, and that’s usually when I have to leave and find someplace to be alone for a while.”
“So this has happened to you before?” Reiner asks.
“It happens every few weeks or so,” Bertholdt admits. His gaze leaves Reiner’s in favor of staring at the ground.
“Every few weeks?” Reiner repeats, shocked. “For how long?”
“Since… Since a few months before we started training,” Bertholdt says, and Reiner feels his jaw go slack.
“Geez, Bertl!” Reiner pinches the bridge of his nose in exasperation. “Why didn’t you ever say anything?”
“I just… I didn’t want to be a bother.”
“You’re never a bother,” Reiner tells him. “Why do you always think that?”Bertholdt only shrugs in response, and brings his arms back up so Reiner can’t see his face anymore. It bothers Reiner that Bertholdt feels like he has still has to hide around him. Haven’t they been friends—best friends, even—long enough that things like this shouldn’t matter?
“Bertl, you shouldn’t have to deal with this kind of stuff alone,” Reiner says, moving Bertholdt’s arms down so Reiner can see his face again, even though Bertholdt seems determined not to look at him. “Why didn’t you ever ask me for help?”
“I…I don’t know,” Bertholdt says. “I just… It’s always seemed silly that I can’t deal with it by myself.” His voice is thick with tears, making Reiner feel sick with concern.
Reiner sighs as he takes one of Bertholdt’s hands in his own. It’s been a long time since Reiner’s had to comfort anybody and he’s not sure if he’ll do any good, but for Bertholdt, he’ll try anything. “We all have stuff we need help with,” Reiner says. “Look at how many times we’ve had to help Armin out during training. And how Mikasa is always pulling Eren’s sorry butt out of trouble. And how we always have to tell Jean to keep his stupid mouth shut. So maybe sometimes you have really bad days and you feel sick and you cry; that doesn’t mean you have to deal with it alone.”There’s a pause, and then Bertholdt’s head begins to move slowly up. He doesn’t say anything, but Reiner adds, “Even if you don’t want anybody else to know, you can always come to me. You know that, right?”
Bertholdt blinks a few times. “You don’t mind?” he asks.
“Heck no!” Reiner says. “That’s what best friends are for, right? To be there for each other.” He gives Bertholdt’s hand a squeeze. “You can come cry on my shoulder anytime you want.”
Bertholdt blinks again. “That’s… really sweet of you,” he says, and Reiner can see the corners of his mouth slowly lifting.
Is it sweet? Reiner doesn’t really think so; as far as he’s concerned, that’s just something friends do for each other. Or at least something Reiner does for Bertholdt. “It’s nothing,” Reiner insists, giving Bertholdt a small smile to encourage him. “Just don’t hide stuff like this from me anymore, okay?”
Bertholdt’s smile is tiny, but it’s there, and looking at it makes Reiner’s heart swell with warmth. “Okay,” Bertholdt says. “I won’t.”
Bertholdt lifts his head to lean back against Reiner’s shoulder; he smells like dirt and pine from the trees they were in earlier, and Reiner takes a deep breath to inhale the scent. His arm is still wrapped around Bertholdt’s shoulder and their hands are still laced together, and Reiner’s thinks that this probably isn’t something best friends normally do, but it feels nice and Bertholdt isn’t protesting, so Reiner lets it be.
They stay entwined for some time, until the sun has set and the only light is the dim glow of the barracks in the distance and the sliver of moon hanging in the sky. “We should probably go to bed soon,” Bertholdt says in a soft voice.
“Yeah,” Reiner agrees, though he has no desire to move. He feels Bertholdt shift, and looks to see Bertholdt’s head coming up quite close to Reiner’s own.
“Reiner?”
“What?” Reiner sees Bertholdt licks his lips, something he only does when nervous, and Reiner barely has time to wonder what Bertholdt could possibly be nervous about now when Bertholdt’s presses his lips against Reiner’s and oh.
The kiss only lasts for a few seconds, but it makes something warm and bright burst inside Reiner’s chest, an anxious but giddy energy that he’s never felt before. “Thanks,” Bertholdt whispers against Reiner’s lips, and then stands and begins to walk away with fast strides, like he thinks the kiss was just a one-time gamble that didn’t quite pay off.
Like hell Reiner’s going to let him get away with thinking like that.
It only takes a second for Reiner to jump and catch Bertholdt by capturing one of Bertholdt’s wrists in his hand, and when Bertholdt stops and turns, Reiner kisses him. He feels Bertholdt go stiff for a moment, but then Reiner brings a hand up to cup the back of his neck and he softens. One of Bertholdt’s hands finds Reiner’s and he laces their fingers together; and when Reiner pulls back, Bertholdt has a shy smile on his lips that makes Reiner never want to stop kissing him.“You’re welcome,” Reiner murmurs, stroking his thumb over the skin of Bertholdt’s neck. He feels Bertholdt shiver and tucks the spot away in his mind for later. “Come on, let’s get back before everyone else is asleep. Jean is always so cranky when he gets woken up.”
Their hands stay intertwined throughout the walk, and before they go inside, they share another kiss, just one in a line of many, many more to come.